So I wrote a ghazal for the paper and I am curious to see how other people went about it, if you chose to write your own could you post it on the blog? I would like to see how other people approached the format and what structural elements they used or did not use. Mine is posted below
A few words and a quick look into those eyes,
I’ve already fallen into their depth, into her.
She hides her emotions behind a wall, tall and strong like herself,
Although imposing, I can feel more than see, a crack appear, a hope.
Everyday I learn something about her, something small but important,
The way she stands, how she likes her coffee, little pieces of that amazing puzzle.
It might be over, I dug too deep, I found out too much,
She has retreated behind her wall, behind her fears.
A brick tumbles loose, a hole appears, tiny in size but huge in possibility,
A ray of light, of hope, shines through, as she forgives me.
We are friends, partners, and lovers but only in our minds,
She acts as if nothing has changed, but a smile here, and a touch there proves it has.
Fear, anger, sorrow, I don’t know what to feel as she lies there,
She is fading, I am losing her, so I tell her, it might be my last chance.
She came back, she is here but my confession fell on deaf ears, she isn’t ready to hear it,
I will hide my love if it means I can see her again, that is enough, for now.
She is worried, we both have baggage and she needs closure, she needs time,
She needs to know I won’t leave, she’ll only do this once, so I plan to prove it to her.
Something has changed, she smiles more, and her laughter comes easily,
Does she know? Can she feel what I feel? Is she ready? Does she know I love her?
Such a tease! A temptress! She knows what she does to me, she enjoys it,
Making me want, making me wait, and I will, what else would I do? She is the one.
It is done, the wall has come down, the last bricks lie scattered at our feet,
We fly to each other, years of waiting, of wanting, of loving, we are both ready.
Wow, that is really good (not that it shouldn't be of course, I am just not a big fan of poetry in general, so for me to like a poem is rare). I also wrote one, so I'm just going to post it as a comment here. Mine is a lot different than yours . . . I tried to follow the format more strictly, so I really like they way yours flows better.
ReplyDeleteMythical Love:
Like the phoenix is my undying love,
Rising from ashes of your scorn sighing, love.
No healing tears alleviate me of my crying,
Nor does it fix the ways of a lying love.
Unseen affection lingers in expression through possessions,
But like the impossibility of finding Atlantis, it’s futile, buying love.
Painful memories of a better time are unsalvageable,
A burning wreckage of what used to be a flying love.
As is Camelot, you’re gone forever to me,
Your absence a black hole in my heart, without a chance to say goodbye I fear of you dying, love.
A nightmare, from my thoughts I can’t escape.
That’s what Emily gets for trying love.
Thanks and wow to you too, I love yours especially because it follows the format so well. I had such a hard time trying to find words that I liked and wanted to repeat that I skipped it but I'm glad you stuck to the format, it's clearly a Ghazal and yet it still feels new and different.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Finding a word to repeat was literally the hardest part for me, and to be honest I'm still not entirely thrilled with the way it comes off sometimes, but it definitely gave me a better understanding of ghazals. In a sense I was afraid to branch out too much from the format, so I'm glad you thought it worked.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea to share these! I agree with Manny- I definitely applaud you Emily for adhering to the repeating format. I skipped out on it also. I love how the images of rising from ashes, Atlantis, and a black hole all evoke feelings of depth. It creates a cohesive semantic field and sets up for the final couplet of being unable to escape. I thought that aspect of the piece was truly sophisticated.
ReplyDeleteManny, I love the juxtaposition of contemporary and antiquated language in your ghazal: "Such a tease! A temptress!" There's something so refreshing about the line: "The way she stands, how she likes her coffee, little pieces of that amazing puzzle" after a series of more abstract couplets. And although it conjures the sorrowful, dark tone of the traditional ghazal, I was pleasantly surprised that it ended on an upbeat note. Beautiful!
Here's my own:
You want to take me travelling,
Is my face not beautiful in the absence of a canyon, a waterfall?
Your photographs reflect my embarrassment- did we visit the beach together,
Or did you take only my calves, shining with perspiration and the salted strands of my locks, to the shore?
There is a cultured pearl buried in the deep cavity of my body,
And you like to shine it by rubbing your hands in circles over my stomach.
I only want to become better acquainted,
With the nature of sleep, its rolling waves.
Come, child,
If you don’t rise from where you lay, you’ll never bloom.
I completely agree with you about Manny's ghazal Alicia, that was a perfect way to put it. Yours is amazing too! I love how adult it is, for lack of a better term. It reminds me a little of Adrienne Rich in the way it draws on that type of imagery. You did a fantastic job of drawing on the human mind's ability to conjure a picture to go with the words we read. I also love how original it is, I would have never been able to come up with something so express, but layered as well. Great job with it :)
ReplyDeletewow, I'm so impressed with everyone's here! I'm glad we're doing this. here's mine:
ReplyDeleteI see you walk out the door with baggage and all,
and soon it is as if you were never here at all.
There is a record player; we used to listen to vinyl like scripture.
Now you’re gone and there is no music at all.
Over old letters and older wine I find myself thinking of lost love,
my glass is empty but the words still tell all.
The full moon hangs proud in the night sky,
mocking my empty heart that has lost all.
For my beloved the wick of affection has long since burnt out.
In me the fire still burns, threatening to consume all.
This empty house echoes with love-fueled passions since silenced,
they echo within me and I can’t take it at all.
I can still hear “Greg”, your voice sounding like music and angels all,
it’s faint, a brush against my memory—almost as if it was never there at all.
Greg- I love how you twisted the traditional reference to the poet's name in the final couplet to be someone speaking to the writer instead of the writer pensively addressing himself. I also liked the motif of sound/silence. In the absence of the lover, there is no longer music or the sound of "love-fueled passions," but this empty silence is a paradox because the narrator can still "hear" the sound of his name being spoken. Great work!
ReplyDeleteHere's mine! After seeing how everyone kind of inverted their ghazals, I wish I had experimented more with mine.
ReplyDeleteSorrow washes my essence till it is coal black,
And you laugh heartily with your soul black.
Tears run like rivers down my crimson cheeks,
The world dies for me as I look into the hole black.
I would run away from this life if I could,
But spears are being thrown at me like a bull black.
Outside, the sun is rising like a whisper to a scream,
Soon, I will get dressed in my clothes, heavy woolen black.
I wait for you, my love, and cradle you in my mind,
Your funeral was a sadness, the day stained whole black.
When it starts to snow, alabaster ashes descending,
I will ride to the lake with my steed, foal black.
Then will Jeff swim to you, my tragic beauty,
He will follow the trail of your floating hair, so black.
A lifelong friend pouring tears before me;
ReplyDeleteWe had created the mistake of intimacy.
Our friendship surely faded away in time;
Evidently she could not see it any other way.
Ever so convenient was the splitting of paths.
Had fate brought re-intersection, so be it.
Off to the next chapter, I expect a clean recovery.
Yet in my dorm at bedtime she continues to harass my thoughts.
Closer than friends, never farther apart,
Both my body and spirit once again show signs of doubt.
The opportunity for my choice grew weaker with every moment.
Assuming it even remained at all.
Gazing down my own path, there was a split in the near future,
Neither direction bestowed me with appeal.
Perhaps intimacy was not the mistake,
But my cowardice towards the love we once shared.
I love everybody's ghazals! Here's mine:
ReplyDeleteIt was not first sight nor looks that took me,
Rather your spirit that stole my breath from me.
Like a flame licking along bright wood,
Your soft affection was made known to me.
Like the forbidden union of rose and nightingale,
We lay, your lashes closed and curled next to me.
No pause: the drumbeat of life thumped on and on
Yet I confessed—and treasured your smile upon me.
The wine flowed on—yet we shall abstain and lay,
Your warm arm, soft hand curled across me.
The days become countless, surely God has lost track
All days start the same, but one shall break me
Peter Pan, Neverland, a shouted phrase, a bad hand—
This is you, this is you. Not me—
A foolish child, a clownish doll, at last knowing rain…
We were never perfect, neither you nor me.
Stubborn walls forcing mouths further shut—
We can never be you and me.
A spear to the heart, or we all may drown—
What has this bond made me?
These are all amazing. I feel so lucky to be in a class with so many tallented writers!
ReplyDeleteManny-I love the usage of the brick wall in your ghazal. What a great way to represent the barrier between you and the woman you are writing about. I felt the ups and downs of your emotions in the ghazal as I was reading it. You did a great job of creating a story within the ghazal with complicated emotions, much like the traditional ghazals we read in class.
Emily-I love the musicality of your ghazal. The words seemed to flow off of my tongue as I was reading them. I'm really impressed with how closely you were able to stick to the technical elements of the ghazals. Your poem has a certain femininity to it which I find refreshing, because we learned in class that ghazals are supposed to resemble women talking amongst themselves, and I feel like this ghazal actually holds true to that theme.
Alicia-I love that you wrote "You want to take me travelling,
Is my face not beautiful in the absence of a canyon, a waterfall?" With these few words you were able to send my mind off racing in a million directions with thoughts of my own experiences in love. That is really impressive. I can sense your frustration and I really appreciate that you were so open with your writing. Your ghazal makes me curious and I want to know more about what you are talking about. You share enough information to communicate your emotions, but also so that the reader is left curious about what happened to make you feel this way. I think leaving a poem somewhat open-ended like this is so creative because it allows the poem to be applicable to so many different situations. Great job!
Greg-"There is a record player; we used to listen to vinyl like scripture.
Now you’re gone and there is no music at all." This line is so cool. I know "cool" isn't a very scholarly word but it's the first thing that came to mind. Your ghazal has such a strong personality and it stands out. Also, the way you incorperated your name in the last couplet was really creative. In some of the ghazals we read in class it seemed like the author was trying too hard to fit their name in there and it was kind of awkward, but you made yours flow in there very nicely. There is also a darkness to your ghazal. You mentioned the night sky and a wick being burnt out, which created a dark mood. Again, very cool.
Jeff- The last three couplets of your ghazal were my favorite. I actually read them three or four times by themselves because I love them so much. Your ghazal gave me chills. It reminded my of Edgar Allen Poe's Annabel Lee because of the strong combination of tragedy, darkness, and life-long love. You've probably read this poem before, but here's a link in case you haven't. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/annabel-lee/.
Nick-I love how your ghazal tackles that fine line between friendship and romance. It's such a foggy subject, which is perfect for a ghazal. I like how you wrote in a more casual language, particularly by using the word "dorm" which brings the ghazal to the 21st century. My favorite couplet was your last one, "Perhaps intimacy was not the mistake,
But my cowardice towards the love we once shared." It seems like you are warning the reader, and sharing your own mistakes, which has the same didactic feeling to it as the traditional ghazals we read in class.
Amorailuv- Your entire ghazal was amazing, but I am particularly blown away by your couplet "Peter Pan, Neverland, a shouted phrase, a bad hand—
This is you, this is you. Not me—" Just like Emily's ghazal, this couplet was musical. Have you ever considered writing song lyrics? I feel like you would be great at it. I keep repeating your couplet in my head and I like it more and more. I like how it's kind of choppy, which imitates the desperation of a failing relationship. This is so good!
Thanks! I do write poetry a lot, but I've never seriously written song lyrics. But after your commendation I may consider it! Great job on your ghazal translation as well, you were able to revision the ideas very well in your own words!
DeleteI also wrote a ghazal! I did something a little different though. I didn't write an original (although it's now on my to-do list after being inspired by all of your amazing ghazals). I wrote a translation of a ghazal written by Ghalib.
ReplyDeleteThis is the literal English translation of Ghalib's ghazal-
I go/depart, taking with my the scars of my unfulfilled desire to have lived (better, longer, in a better condition or time);
I am like an extinguished candle, no more becoming/befitting in an assembly of friends.
To the six appearances, the door of the mirror is opened;
Here, any distinction between the perfect and defective is gone.
Ardor has undone the binding strings of the veil that concealed beauty;
But for the sight itself, there is nothing in between.
From my heart, the desire to cultivate fidelity has disappeared/died because, there/in that place,
There is nothing to be gained except the vain desire to gain (no reward, only a vain expectation of reward).
I am not afraid of the cruelty of love, but Asad,
The heart that I was once proud of is no more (what it used to be).
Here is my own version-
I leave, wondering what life would have been like if I had been dealt different cards.
My friends have disappeared alongside my youthful glow.
I’ve looked in the mirror many times to examine myself through the reflections;
But the images are too confusing to distinguish flaws from perfections.
My lust led me to undress her, whose name I can’t remember;
But I realize it was the chase I loved the most.
I have given up on following the rules and being good;
There is nothing to be gained, except the anticipation of success.
I’m not afraid of getting hurt, but Asad,
I no longer find myself worthy of love.
The theme of this ghazal and the emotions that are expressed are what originally drew me in, so I chose to focus less on the technical elements in order to keep the integrity of Ghalib's original ghazal. If anyone has suggestions please let me know!
I loved all of these, by far my favorite writing assignment ever, now onto why I liked all of them,
ReplyDeleteAlicia- I loved the themes of water and how you transitioned them into dreams and growth, the last couplet was my favorite, a perfect way to end it.
Greg- Great job sticking to the format of the traditional Ghazal, I know I spent ages trying to find words that I liked to repeat but I gave up and went for a different style, I'm glad you managed to make it work so well. Also loved the way you tied light and sound together throughout.
Jeff- Again great job sticking with the format, and your use of color was wonderful, it really helped me visualize everything, great job!
Nick- It wasn't happy but that's a good thing, the traditional Ghazals have themes of sorrow and unfulfilled love and you pulled that off perfectly, good word choices and I loved the line "Neither direction bestowed me with appeal."
Amorailuv- Wow I loved your choice of words, obviously all of the couplets are supposed to stand apart but each of yours has such a different feel to it, its own little world, and yet they all flow together so well. Really well done.
Emily- First of all, props to you for doing a translation, I was way to scared to try and rewrite a Ghazal but you did a fantastic job, all of the English translations from the packets seemed to be missing something, but you really captured the tone of it and I love your final couplet, very nice way to get the message across.
I really liked all of these and I'm glad so many people decided to attempt their own Ghazals, I'm going to be reading mine at the Poetry Slam on April 5th, its from 5:30-8 or 9ish, I hope some of you come to read yours too.